05: "The Fear" - Confronting Emotional Anxieties
On a Friday morning, the world around me felt surreal. When I woke up, I thought I might still be asleep, wrapped in Jakob's arms. My stomach fluttered a bit when I realized I hadn't been dreaming, and I nestled against him, enjoying his warmth and comfort. He let out a contented sigh and held me tightly.
"Good morning," he whispered in my ears.
"Good morning, Sir," I responded, trying my best to slip back into the routine we had established. I had made a decision the night before to do better for him, and his favorite quote kept popping into my head: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today."
But despite his outward happiness, I sensed guardedness in his eyes. My betrayal had repercussions that went beyond what I had initially thought. Jakob, who was a lover at heart and found great satisfaction in giving himself fully to me, was now losing that happiness. He conveyed his disappointment, but I could tell that wasn't the only emotion he was feeling.
I was filled with regret and yearned to turn back time just to prevent my poor choices. Unfortunately, I couldn't change the past. I had to find a way to move forward. What if I were in his shoes? Without a doubt, he'd give me anything I desired.
He continued to talk to me while his brow furrowed in annoyance when he saw that I wasn't listening. Desperate to turn the situation around, I pulled out of his embrace and knelt on the floor next to the bed, my hands resting on my legs. My chest thrust forward, imitating the position he had taught me on Wednesday.
"I-I'm sorry, Sir. I-I wasn't... paying attention? I was kind of lost in thought. I mean... if you'd repeat yourself, I'd try to listen more carefully, Sir," I stammered, glancing up at him with a sheepish expression. He looked disappointed, and the coldness in his eyes made me shiver. "I'll listen really carefully this time, if you repeat yourself for... for your... um... s-s-slut." The word rolled off my tongue reluctantly.
'Slut' was a demeaning term that I despised - it conveyed a lack of loyalty and decency. It was a reflection of the actions I had taken the night I had cheated. I had gone out with some friends, including Michelle, whose husband was from another SEAL team. They often gathered to discuss the latest about their husbands, who they rarely heard from while they were away.
Michelle came back from her mission with juicy details, even though her husband, a member of SEAL Team 4, had only been back for two days. Listening to her, our group of friends couldn't help but weigh in with their thoughts. She shared the latest information about the teams and responded to our cheeky suggestions. It was our only connection to our husbands while they overseas.
Some of them left, but I had to use the bathroom before heading home. As I made my way towards the front door, nearly bumping into him in the process, he apologized. With his cobalt eyes and laid-back demeanor, he had made me feel like a young maiden from a 19th-century romance novel. "Excuse me, little lady," he said jokingly, bowing and taking off an imaginary hat. "I should have bought you a drink before inadvertently running you over."
It wasn't the first time I'd been hit on in Jakob's absence. In fact, I'd been hit on a lot that night. But there was something in his eyes, in the atmosphere of the bar that was flooded with wine and excitement at the very second we nearly collided that made me consider that flirtatious drink. Before long, we were leaving my place, but the damage was already done. A short ten minutes later, I had wrecked my marriage and earned a title I despised.
Out of my thoughts, I jerked my gaze up at Jakob. He was smirking at me, now sitting naked on the bed's edge. I'd dozed off again, and he definitely noticed. I averted my eyes, trying not to get anxious or weepy. How could I not be self-centered?
"Are you listening now, whore?" He asked brusquely, but with a hint of amusement.
"Yes, sir." I answered hesitantly.
"I was saying that I'll need to secure you up again. I have to submit my weekly report at Little Creek. I'll be needing to leave shortly, and I should be back by two o'clock." He said while getting out of bed and hitting the floor. He performed a series of stretches on the ground, and I almost forgot what he'd just mentioned as I admired the movement and stretching of his muscular body.
A compact workout followed, and a revelation struck me like a zillion-ton weight. I didn't wake up to his alarm as he slept so heavily, but he consistently got up at five to do his early-morning workout, have breakfast, and start on some coffee before I awoke. This morning, I woke up in his arms. He must have disabled the alarm and remained in bed alongside me instead of getting up and exercising. He chose to just remain here and embrace me. A cascade of affection rose within me, and I was grateful he couldn't see the tears in my eyes as he concentrated on a compressed version of what usually took him an hour.
Once he finished the workout, he took a quick shower before drying off and selecting garments from the closet. He slipped on a casual yet flattering outfit. "Don't you need your uniform, sir?" I inquired. I had a deep fondness for Jake in his fatigues, or particularly when he wore his dress blues. I hoped he'd need to wear the dress blues, as that would necessitate him to shave off his beard.
"Not for an unofficial report like this." Jakob said as he laced up his shoes. "They just need to make sure I'm not turning soft during my time off."
I nearly chuckled at the concept of Jake "going soft". He was so committed in everything he did, I nearly thought he'd fight off Death if he tried to disturb his morning workout. It was odd not seeing him work out since I arrived until today, but I had been sleeping in far too late.
"Go prepare a meal, whore. Something swift." He said while walking away from the room towards his office. I trailed him until I had to break from his path to reach the kitchen, where I stood to cook breakfast for him.
I had three fried eggs, two pieces of toast, and a mug of coffee on the table by the time he came out of the office, carrying the new contract and a pen. While he ate his breakfast, I got myself a bowl of cereal and knelt, eating at his feet.
"Sit with me." He commanded when he saw I was done. I stood and moved to join him at the table. The contract was there, opened to the last page with his lawyer's modified additions and my blank signature line.
I dallied longer than I was proud of staring at that line, but I experienced a newfound determination after indulging in a bit of selfishness the night before. It gave me hope that I'd be able to observe that aspect of him more and more until, maybe, it became the only aspect I saw.
I shoved the papers aside and looked at him. "No, thank you, Sir. Your... whore... still craves your correction." I looked away when I voiced the insult. I couldn't stand his gaze while recognizing my misstep.
He lightly traced his fingers along my cheek, and I raised my eyes to his once more. He was grinning broadly, clearly pleased with my choice. "Excellent. I would like you to consider what you wish for a reward for your decision while I'm away. If it's within reasonable bounds, I'll give it to you."
I beamed, and thoughts of our lovemaking immediately inundated my mind. "Thank you, Sir."
"Not what we did last night." He said softly, almost wistfully. He was well aware what I longed for. "That is not something you've earned, yet. Remember, the kind of affection we had last night was your final self-serving desire. That level of love won't be exhibited again until you've... progressed."
The fall of my face was softened by the promise of a chance to truly earn his affection in that manner. It was paradoxical, but this upfront honesty about my behavior made me feel like we were getting closer than we'd ever been. Like he understood me, accepted me as I was, and also had faith in what I could achieve.
Jakob stood up from the table and waved for me to follow him. "Come along, my dear. I've got places to go. You can clear up the dishes when I return," he said, casually. He then made his way towards my cell, grabbing a couple of water bottles from the fridge along the way. "I attempted to convince D.O.C. to install a water fountain or something in the cell, but alas, they wouldn't have it. They seemed to think you might try to rot the floorboards by dripping water through the bars with your pee."
When we reached my cell, Jakob placed the bottles on the ground and stepped back, allowing me to enter. I slithered in, barely staying on my knees before turning to face him. I debated within myself whether I should proceed with my intentions, but curiosity got the better of me.
"I'm not too keen on having my dick sucked right now, but you show commendable enthusiasm." He chuckled half in exasperation, half in amusement.
"Actually, Sir, I was about to request..." But his tone seemed to suggest he was anticipating another question.
"I won't be available to pleasure you with my cock, but would you like me to hand you a tool you might have seen me using yesterday? It's good to familiarize yourself to your own body." His eyebrows arching questioningly at me. "If you practice with it, you might be able to show me a trick next time."
He pressed on my insecurities by pointing out that he'd felt fantastic using the toy on me the night before. He asked if I didn't trust him to handle it and an intense war raged within me. I wanted to crave what he was offering, but I still held on to some semblance of control over myself, not wanting to fall deeper into my degradation. Lowering my head, I admitted my lack of trust.
"No, Sir, I don't. I'm sorry," I murmured, trying my best to keep my voice controlled. "Forget my request."
He scrutinized me before he left the cell with the door open. My mind raced with questions. What was he up to? Was he giving me the tool despite my prior request? Should I use it on myself if he was giving it to me? Would it be better to be patient? I was actually feeling intrigued by the idea of his previously mind-blowing actions on me.
To my surprise, Jakob returned with his alarm clock from his nightstand, which he then plugged into a socket and adjusted to the time. It was ten thirty. I looked at him perplexed as he stepped away from the cell and shut the door.
"Here's the catch, my slut: you can see the time and understand how long you have left. However, the more you stare at the clock, the more it seems like time stands still," Jakob said as an explanation. I sputtered incomprehension, surprised by his unusual gift. "It's a combination of a reward and a punishment. The reward is to browse the time, the punishment is a reminder that each second is a slow grind into the waiting."
"Hmm." I murmured, unsure of what to make of it. "I thank you for your punishment, Sir, but what wrong have I done to deserve a reward?"
"You admitted, albeit begrudgingly, that you were being selfish. You didn't want to put your trust in me. Admitting honesty to yourself is the first step in acknowledging a problem. But you didn't demand that, saving yourself from being punished. So, the punishment is not for cheese, but for zoning out during our earlier discussion."
I nodded, and he smiled while locking the door. "Be back by two."
Jakob appears to have a strong grasp on everything in his surroundings. The reason for this is unclear. How does he know more about me than I do? He must be observing me, but how can I not notice myself? Doesn't this situation stem from my failure to pay attention to anything but myself?
No, that's not accurate. I pay attention to my desires and requirements, but not my identity. A person is more than their needs; they also have their imperfections and setbacks, their ambitions and objectives. A great deal can be discovered about someone based on the people they interact with. The type of people they choose to associate with and the way they do so reveals a lot about what lies beneath their personality.
I considered Jakob. I genuinely considered him as a person. In what way did he fit into the picture? I was already aware of his necessities such as food, sleep, and shelter. He also required affection, as do all of us. More personally, I knew that he desired a project. He was always attempting to repair something. It's ironic that now I am the focus of his attention, when in the past I was content to let him immerse himself in his projects in exchange for the freedom to explore whatever intrigued me each day, whether it was a new recipe, a gardening technique, or simply a new coffee shop for spouses to gather at.
I felt ashamed by how little I understood his wishes and goals. I was aware of his desire for me to be successful. I was aware of his desire to be the finest he could be. I was aware of his desire for more intimacy in our relationship, but I had always shut that down. He stunned me; why would I risk him discovering something that he enjoyed more if there was a chance I wouldn't enjoy it?
Regarding his flaws and shortcomings, I had never observed him fail at something in all the time I'd known him, save for the limbo contest at prom, which didn't reflect any major psychological concern. You could argue he has a hero complex; he is always the first to offer assistance and the last to exit a dangerous situation. This attitude is likely what led to his compatibility with the SEALs.
I knew he wanted a family. We had always been enthusiastic about the possibility of having children together. He loved his job as a SEAL, but I didn't know how far he wanted to pursue his career. Would he work it his whole life, climbing the ranks of command until his body was too worn out for deployment? Would he leave the military and seek a career in a private sector? I couldn't recall any discussions we had about it, as we rarely addressed my issues other than to address them. He was always so focused on me.
What did my marriage to Jakob say about him? Did he see me as a problem to be fixed, even during our courtship? Maybe. He'd always been wiser than his years. Did he enjoy the company of people less skilled or talented than him because it boosted his ego? I didn't believe so. He'd never been conceited. Perhaps it was simply the fact that I made promises to him that he felt compelled to accept. Promises that I failed to keep. How much better could his life have been without me?
I pulled myself away from the brink of that cycle. I was attempting to understand who I was as a person. Why do I behave in certain ways? Why am I unable to give of myself entirely, as Jake does? Tormenting myself and inducing an anxiety attack wouldn't help me reach that understanding.
So what do I know about myself? It's obvious that I prefer a easy life, but my six-month stint working three jobs demonstrated that I am capable of more than I have done so far. Why haven't I pushed myself more then? The solution is clear: I need purpose and growth in my life. I didn't apply myself in the past because I never had anything that required my effort as being on my own did. My parents, and later on with Jake, made me aware that I was loved and treasured exactly as I was. Perhaps I took that too far...
Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, an idea hit me. It was the same solution to their situations. Fear and distrust. I hadn't made an effort because I was scared of failure. You can't fail if you don't try. I also had no specific goals or targets, keeping them vague so I wouldn't have anything to fall short of.
I stopped my beloved's exploration of my body because I was frightened he'd hurt me. The idea seemed absurd. Jake would never cause me harm. However, I unintentionally put him in a tough position where he had to go against who he was - a defender and a comforter - just to spare me from my fears.
The more I pondered, the clearer it became as to why he had inflicted these punishments. The cane incident was the most evident. We had experimented with linking my orgasms earlier, but I'd always stopped him after just a couple. I vividly recall telling him I was scared of having more since they seemed like they'd drive me mad. While my mind was in no state to talk at the time, he had demonstrated that it wouldn't cause lasting damage. He had researched it, but I didn't believe him.
The clamps and the whip, I suspected, fell into a similar category. My fear of pain was unrivaled. I wept uncontrollably when he persuaded me to get a matching tattoo with him. Throughout the years, I believed I had a particularly low tolerance for pain. But he seemed to understand me better. For goodness sake, that was getting irritating. Not only did the flogging and clamps show that pain wasn't detrimental to me, but they also proved that my body could enjoy it.
As I thought of the dampness between my legs when he shared the sensations of pain, along with the memory of his lips tickling my genitals, sensitive from the clamps, I couldn't hold out any longer. I lay on the bed and gently stroked myself, longing for my Jake to join me in this delight. As if answering my thoughts, his image flooded my mind and drove me to even greater heights while I carefully guided myself to the brink, staying there for a long time before pushing myself over, shouting his name in euphoria.
In a panic, "I'm terrified, Sir." These words caused a look of detriment to appear on Jakob's face. As soon as he returned exactly at two, I scuttled out of my cage and into the dining room, kneeling at his feet. He questioned if I had considered my reward, and I replied with a desire to discuss something else first.
He fixed his gaze on my face, attempting to decipher the truth, before he spoke. "Sarah, please sit." He indicated the chair on his right, directly behind where I was kneeling.
"Please, Sir, I'd rather not." This provoked a lengthy scrutiny from him.
"I demand. This important discussion that you feel compelled to have outweighs your want for your reward. Do you grasp what I'm saying?" His tone was low, but his eyes glimmered with optimism. He recognized it. Naturally, he had known before I even did.
"Sir, I don't desire..." I haltingly stopped and Jakob jumped swiftly to his feet. He lifted me without difficulty from the ground, placing me on my feet, and dragged me into the chair behind me.
"What you long for means nothing at this moment, slut." He spat at me with venom in his voice. "After this crucial conversation, I am compelled to chastise you for this act of defiance. Do you comprehend?"
I nodding silently, shaken by the abrupt rush of motion and the hostility in his tone. He set down his chair and took his seat behind it, facing me. I avoided meeting his gaze, but I caught him indicating for me to speak.
It took me another minute to gather my thoughts, and I voiced them. "Sir, I reflected upon a great deal while you were away. When I requested to prepare myself for your cock, you saw straight through my phony reasons. Your awareness of me made me ponder how you seemed to know me better than I know myself. [(Sir, you know me better than I know myself)][1] It left me yearning to decode how you knew me so well. [(I wonder how you know me so well)][2]"
[1]: Sir, you know me better than I know myself.[2]: I wonder how you know me so well.
I've been constantly reflecting on what has made me the person I am now. I'm not completely sure, but I hope I'm making some progress. My entire life, I've been governed by fear: fear of pain, rejection, and failure. Fear has controlled me more than I've ever controlled myself. I've let it dictate what I should and shouldn't do, even trying to take things away from you that I thought I was giving.
The fear doesn't burn bright in my mind; it dwells in the dark corners, manipulating strings I can't see. I need you to help me conquer this fear. Despite what I might have thought during various moments, even when I believed I was doing the right thing, I was apparently wrong. I'm convinced that it's wrong for you to keep me seated in this chair. I figured this entire exercise was aimed at showing me that I'm unworthy—forcing me to confront the truth about the terrible things I've done to you.
Jake reached up and cupped my chin, forcing me to gaze into his dazzling emerald eyes. He beamed with pride, his eyes twinkling. Apparently, I'd made at least part of this discovery on my own. "Sarah, this is a crucial development for you. You no longer have to be afraid. You've always put obstacles in your way, making life more difficult if it meant you didn't have to confront your fears. Even today, when you rejected me, it was mainly because I was changing things, which can be unexpected and unnerving.
"You've taken a huge step by reflecting on yourself. Here, for the first time since I've known you, you're actually analyzing your flaws. Not only have you found a source for your issues, but you're now taking active steps to rectify them. It will require discipline and willpower to tame raw emotions, and I'll be here to guide you."
I felt tears welling in the corners of my eyes. I knew he'd support me in my battle with fear, based on the moment I had written "Please" on that piece of paper. I may have been frightened, but I wouldn't be plagued by it forever.
"Now, let's deal with your punishment," he instructed. I stood with my feet shoulder-width apart and puffed out my chest. He gave a nod of approval, then caressed one of my breasts, tweaking my nipple with a mischievous smirk before heading to the basement.
Upon his return, he was brandishing a collection of shiny objects with delicate chains attached. When he untangled and spread them out on the table, I recognized them as clamps. He positioned the first one over my left nipple and fastened it, causing it to tighten slightly past the point of comfort. He repeated the process on my right nipple. I braced myself for what was coming next.
He knelt and picked up the third and fourth clamps, attaching one to one of my labia and the other to the other. This caused a sharp pain, unlike anything I had ever experienced during the application of clamps on my nipples. Then, he held the fifth and sixth clamps between his fingers.
After connecting one to my left clit hood, I winced in pain, indicating that this was the most agonizing experience I'd had so far. He fastened the other to my right clit hood. Now, he stood, his smirk amused.
He retrieved several more chains and connected one between the clamps on my tits and another between the clamps on my labia. When he returned, he held a small bag in his hand and poured out various weights. He attached the chains to each of the weights before positioning them between the nipple clamps and labia clamps.
Now, with the clamps in place and the weights hanging from my sensitive areas, he sent me back to the kitchen to prepare an afternoon snack for us.
Moving slowly and carefully, I managed to gather the ingredients, create the sandwiches, and retrieve drinks. Each step caused the weights to swing and my body to pull, causing discomfort. Finally, I hobbled back to the study with our food and beverages.
I set down his plate and then my own on the floor to retrieve two bottles of water. There, I froze — I wasn't allowed to sit. He grasped my arm and hauled me back to my feet. "Are you prepared to have the clamps removed, slut?"
"Sir?" I questioned, painfully aware of the dangling weights as I struggled to move. "Is my punishment finished?"
He chuckled vivaciously. "No, slut. That was simply the prelude. The real punishment awaits when I unwind those clamps and the blood rushes back into your delicate, overstimulated regions."
I bit my lip, weighing the consequences of delaying. With a nod, he swiftly removed the clamp from my left nipple. I cried out in agony from the sudden explosion of blood flow. He swiftly slapped his hand against my mouth to muffle my wails.
The act was repeated with the clamp on my other nipple. "Are you ready to continue?"
If you can hold back your voice, I'll have a special treat for you once these are taken off. I gave another nod and clenched my teeth tightly. The following clamp came off with only a low groan, but the next one had me writhing and squirming desperately to avoid yelling out. After the fourth one was removed, the burning sensation on my nipples started to lessen slightly.
"Thank you for my punishment, Sir." I managed to croak out without a shout of pain, while I could feel the heat gathering in my core when he kept one hand on my throbbing pussy.
Jakob placed the last of the clamps on the table with the others, then turned and placed his other hand on my face. "I'm very proud of you, Sarah. Take a seat in the chair." He gently helped me sit down in his seat and knelt before me. He spread my legs above his shoulders and softly kissed and licked my pussy lips until the unpleasant feelings subsided.
When I started to moan, he spread my folds with his tongue and dove in. The moans turned to breaths, and then to declarations of "Oh, fuck!", "God, yes!", "Please, Sir!" as he consumed me. He quickly triggered a small orgasm from me before settling down for the long haul. As I began to come down from my first peak, his tongue slowed to a relaxed pace.
He savored me, enjoying himself with slow, deliberate licks. This was Jake in his element. He loved devoting his attention to others, and I wanted to learn how he could do so without expecting anything in return. Even now, I knew a small part of me was agreeing to everything just for the chance at the next prize.
He constructed the path to my orgasm brick by brick, lick by lick, gradually guiding me to the pinnacle. His beard occasionally brushed against the perfect spot, seemingly on its own, and I started to appreciate him keeping it. I came with two of his fingers vigorously stroking my G-spot and his lips locked over my clit, sucking and lightly gnawing on it. My legs locked around his head, holding him in place while I squirted onto his beard.
As my mind cleared, I knelt from his chair to my knees. He retrieved a damp towel for us both, and we both hastened to clean myself up. He took up his usual spot at the head of the table when we finished, and we both devoured the sandwiches.
When he'd completed his final bite, he scooted back from the table and looked at me. "Alright, slut. What would you like for your reward?" A grin spread across my face; I'd been eagerly anticipating this moment.